Edition 28 Week of Feb. 5, 2013

February 5, 2013


MOXIE    by Shawn Raymond
 MOXIE Politick    by Shawn Raymond

FARCE News From the Asocial Press ((AP))
Armstrong’s DupingOprah Winfrey’s startling interview with Lance Armstrong, the7 time winner of the Tour de France, revealed the depths of the man’s flawed character. Her gentle probing brought Mr. Armstrong to the brink of tears until he couldn’t go on any further. After a guilt ridden sobbing episode he said it was too painful to relive all the lies that he has told regarding his illegal doping and asked Oprah, “Can we please move on to how I duped Monti T’eo?”
Science Proves TimeBree University, in Earnslaw, New Zealand, and it’s Department of Theoretical  Temporal Displacement and Augmentation Analysis staff, have finished their one day study by concluding that yes, indeed, yesterday actually did exist. 
Experiments conducted this morning yielded little more than encouraging clues that the researchers were on track. However, “This afternoon  I came into the lab,” says Dr. Bolbi Basingg, “and there was a cardboard coffee cup from Starbucks on my desk. And there was the proof. Just like that I remembered getting that cup yesterday.” Mr. Basinng laughed excitedly. “Not today, as the yesterday naysayers proclaim, but an actual memory event from a day gone by! Do you know what that means? It means that I way overpaid for coffee yesterday and it begs the question ‘Did I way overpay for coffee the day before that and the day before that?’ and so on. One question has been answered, but so many more have risen.”Another group of researchers at the University of Mirkwood, separated from Bree University by a deep and ancient forest, has used this new evidence to proceed with a request for funding a 38 million dollar research endeavor in which they will strive to find the answer to the still unnerving question of whether the sun will come out tomorrow.
McCarthy –vs- BatemanJason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy star in the upcoming movie “Identity Thief” opening February 8, 2013. Although the two stars are now close friends they actually came to blows during a scene in which McCarthy’s character punches Bateman’s character in the throat. Unfortunately, when the time came for the punch scene shoot, McCarthy extended her fist higher to compensate for her short height at the same time that Bateman bent slightly at the knees to compensate for her short height also. As a result McCarthy punched Bateman in the nose, bloodying it and sending him onto the hood of his car. 
The normally unflappable Bateman lost his cool and slapped McCarthy while screaming, “You want a piece of this? You want a piece of this? When I signed on for this movie I thought I was starring with Jenny McCarthy!”
Witnesses say that McCarthy then caught Bateman and body slammed the actor onto the pavement, kicked him in the crotch, and sat on his head to let loose a long, sour blast of gas from her bowel while shouting, “You don’t want any of this!” 
Crew members would have rescued Bateman sooner but the gas was too overpowering and medics later had to administer oxygen to several people, including Bateman.
After months of apologies, and therapy, the two are good friends again. “It’s just now,” Bateman says, “when we do another movie together I’ll make sure she has a supply of Gas-X in her trailer!”
Governor’s NightmaresPA Governor Tom Corbett, as reported by unnamed sources, has had a difficult time sleeping due to nightmares. According to sources the Governor dreams that a golden colored ex-Penn State Nittany Lions coach Joe Paterno hovers outside his window each night moaning things like, “You’ve ruined your chances of re-election” and “You’re shirts are too tight around your fat neck”.
Rumors that Penn State students have stolen the Joe Paterno statue (that used to grace the campus in front of Beaver Stadium) as well as heavy ropes and rigging and a crane remain unconfirmed and there seems to be no connection with the Governor’s nightmares. At all.
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