FARCE Magazine Issue 27 January 10, 2013

January 9, 2013


'Moxie' by Shawn Raymond

'Moxie POLITICK'  by Shawn Raymond


A Tribute

My Dad passed away December 22, 2012 and the family gathered around at my home after the burial and we found ourselves reminiscing. What follows is a true story that will always reflect Dad's true nature and his ability to find humor in even the grimmest of times.

15 years ago Dad's kidneys were failing fast. He'd been on dialysis for just under a year when the call came that a donor had been found. Once he was prepped, and the Doctor came in for one last consult before surgery, this conversation occurred:

Dad: "Doc", Dad said quietly, "Will I be able to play piano after this?

The Doctor looked at him reassuringly and replied, "Yes, you will, Jim."

Dad smiled wide and said, "Good. I've always wanted to play piano!"

And we all laughed then and we all laughed when we gathered in his honor last week. Undoubtedly, he laughed as well.

From the Asocial Press ((AP))

North Korean Spy Satellite?
The regime in North Korea successfully launched a long-range missile last week, drawing ire from the rest of the international community, including a condemnation by the U.N. Security Council. The United States called the missile test, ostensibly the launch of a weather satellite, a “highly provocative act.”
Fears that the satellite itself should be considered a new security concern arose yesterday when intelligence intercepts of communications within Pyongyang became public via the internet suggesting that the satellite is actually an intelligence interceptor designed to listen in on sensitive American communication networks. The voices on the recording are of the Great Leader Kim Jung-Un and an unidentified confidante. The transcript follows below.
Confidante: “The satellite is functioning properly, Great Leader.”
Great One: “Oh?.”
Confidante: “There may be a problem, however.”
Great One: “Oh?”
Confidante: “It appears that the Americans have pre-empted our intercepts.”
Great One: “Oh?”
Confidante: “Yes, Great One. The Americans have done the unthinkable.”
Great One: “Oh?”
Confidante: “I am so sorry to disappoint you, Great Leader, but it appears as though  Jersey Shore has been cancelled.”
Great One: “Noooooooooooooo…” ( a great deal of sobbing occurs).
Upon hearing of the North Korean Great Leader’s angst upon hearing of the Jersey Shore cancellation, Snooki said, “That’s so sweet. And I just loved his Gangnam Style video!”
Best Selling Car Worldwide
The Ford Focus isn’t the best-selling car in America; it’s not even in the Top 10. But around the world, especially in fast-growing markets in Asia, the sporty compact is growing in popularity, so much so that it is about to knock off the venerable Toyota Corolla as the world’s most popular car.
In geographic areas that are remote and inhabited by the world’s most poor Ford will be offering Focus shells on rickshaw frames so that their sales numbers will experience rapid growth throughout all of Asia. Says one rickshaw owner in Saipan, “Very light materials. Very unsafe on highways. Perfect for rickshaw.”
Worst Baby Name in History
Hashtag Jameson (Yes, that is actually what you think it is!) was born in November and controversy over the naming has streaked across the social networking universe since. "Should it be illegal?" asked one Washington Post columnist of the name choice. "The world is ending," wrote a Buzzfeed blogger. A trend had started long ago where it seems that all parents are tempted to name their child with a unique name to help them stand out from the crowd. Hashtag’s mother and father, Twitter and Face (middle namer Booker), were concerned that they would not find a more unique name than their actual first choice but were relieved when this ‘even better’ name occurred to them. It is this writer’s opinion that Hashtag is only slightly more stupid as a name than their first choice; Snookie.
Banned Words List
Each year around this time someone develops a list of overused words and phrases that we are simply sick of hearing and would like to ban them from the English language. "Spoiler alert" is among them. So are "kick the can down the road," ''trending" and "bucket list." Other terms coming in for a literary recall  are "superfood," ''guru," ''job creators" and "double down."

Also included are “ummm” (thanks to the speech President Obama gave during the campaign when his teleprompter suddenly stopped working in the middle of his address), “I have no recollection of that” (thanks to PA Governor Tom Corbett who said it, or a variation of it, over 70 times during 5 hours of questioning on March 11, 2010 while being sued), “Jerry Sandusky”, “the”, “terrycloth”, “responsibility”, and “Mayan Calendar”.


Mars Discovery
A Science story reported first by National Public Radio last month quoted John Grotzinger (The chief scientist for NASA’s Mars Rover Curiosity) as saying that data recently gathered by Curiosity's Sample Analysis at Mars instrument, or SAM, were “destined for the history books.”

Rumors from within the Mars Research Scientific Community began flying around the Internet that SAM had perhaps detected complex organic compounds indicating the possibility that they had discovered the original Barack Obama birth certificate. However, less dramatically, it was ascertained that the compounds were only the remains of French King Louis XVI stuffed inside a gourd.

The news was met by a public with a ravenous appetite for salacious reality TV and MMA violence with a collective bored sigh.
FARCE Magazine is seeking non-syndicated cartoons and humor material for content within this blog. Please send queries and submissions to the editor at farcemagazine@gmail.com.