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Week of Jan. 16 to Jan. 22, 2012
January 17, 2012
Dad Just Can't Win
I was shoveling snow one cold January day when my first daughter was only 3 years old. It was very cold out so she came out bundled in her snow suit. She had come out to 'help' Daddy shovel snow.
I was working pretty hard and the cold temperature caused me to cough. I turned away from my daughter and spit the resulting phlegm behind our porch. When I turn back my daughter was standing next to me with tears in her eyes so I asked her what was wrong.
She pointed to where I had spit in the snow and sobbingly said, "That was my favorite spot!"
Evidently she was mortified that, of all the places that I could have deposited my phlegm, I had to choose her very favorite spot. Two acres of lawn and I defiled her one square inch of favorite spot!
I consoled her and, although slightly annoyed, I apologized for this grievous affront.
I continued shoveling while she 'helped' by sliding down the snow pile I had just made and filled the path back in.
The second cough came roughly 3 minutes after the first and, knowing now where her favorite spot was, I turned a different direction and once again spit the gooey mucous as far away as I could near some bushes.
Once again I found her teary face looking at me with that 'how-could-you? look as if I had just slapped a kitten.
"Now what's wrong?" I asked.
"That was my second favorite spot!"
Get Out Of The Car
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.