Postgrad madness: Tea for two (or Neil, at least)

Why can’t the world be as witty as Neil Patrick Harris? I ask myself that a lot. If things were different, if more people were wittier, indeed, if more people were hilarious attractive gay men, would the world be a better place?

Harris hosted Sunday night’s Emmys, which divided the awards - and the telecast - into categories. First was comedy – the best one. The second was a different kind of category, one that Harris introduced with appropriate gravitas.

“This is the newest genre in television,” he announced, his voice deepening for dramatic effect. “This ... is reality.”

Hah!

I mean, can you think of a better joke than that? I know, I know. Harris has writers. But still, the delivery! And that spiky blonde hair! He almost distracted me from my goal for this week’s column. Hah!

But not quite.

I keep my promises, Williamsport. Sometimes. Generally. OK, more occasionally than anything, but I’m keeping it this week. Plus I like tea parties, so I want to have one.

Indeed, in preparation for this week’s column, I did my research.

“What do I need for a tea party?” I wondered. Tea, obviously. Cups and saucers. Hot water. Something to munch on, like crackers, or propaganda. Do they make edible propaganda? I don’t know, but I imagine that’s something you could get at a porn shop. It certainly sounds twisted and pervy like that.

What else? Someone to party with, of course. And oh! You know, when I was in England, I had clotted cream, and that’s very traditional, and we all know that a tea party demands tradition. I don’t really like clotted cream, but hey, we’re dealing with the stuff of “Fiddler on the Roof” songs, and you don’t mess with Tevye.

But enough procrastination. Did you know there were Tea Party demonstrations here during Little League? I was at work at Starbucks at the time, and could see them from the window, parading their posters all over the Market St. Bridge, like ants that should be discouraged - in a proper lily-livered gilded liberal universe.

I like peaceful protests though, of any nature and regardless of points of view. I find them heartwarming, and an encouraging sign that our democracy is flourishing as it should. I really wanted to get in my car and drive my Obamamobile across the bridge a few times to add to the hubbub, but they were gone before I finished my shift.

Which was weird, come to think of it. I really thought Tea Partiers were the scary sorts of people, like the Freddy Kruegers of the extreme right wing – that’s Nancy Pelosi to you, Republicans - and as we all know, the villains in horror movies don’t go away. Ever.

Even Jeb Bush agrees.

“You guys are everywhere,” the former Florida governor is quoted as saying, of the FreedomWorks people on the organization’s website (I looked! I told you I did research. And right after I did that, I took a shower and donated to Planned Parenthood. I grew up Catholic, guys. The need to repent never leaves you). I didn’t think the day would come when Jeb Bush and I agreed on something, but as a matter of fact, it has! I totally concur.

And look, guys -- if there actually are any Republicans who read my column, in which case I love you and I wish I could say I was sorry -- I’m biased. Duh. I often think Obama’s detractors are just jealous because he’s sexy, and I’ve often wondered if, when our President opens his mouth, unicorns will fall out of it. He’s that eloquent. And he really makes me more biased than I need to be -- damn you, journalistic integrity!

So forgive me for snorting a bit when I whiled away the odd half hour on the FreedomWorks website. FreedomWorks is a corporate sponsor of the “grassroots” Tea Party Patriots organization. It has its own “Freedom Agenda” and leads “the fight for lower taxes, less government and more freedom,” because, as we all know, we don’t have enough freedom, here in America, and, anyway, repeating a word makes it so.

Which is sweet. And I feel bad, you know? I could’ve saved them a lot of time and energy if they’d only called me up and asked if it were true. I tried the same technique for years, growing up. I wanted a pony. Every year, for Christmas, like a CD on repeat, I asked for a pony. Occasionally I got the odd Breyer model horse, and eventually I did get riding lessons, but a living breathing creature I cannot yet claim as my own.

Then again, if the Tea Partiers had asked, I probably wouldn’t have helped. Sorry. Some lessons are just better learned on your own.

On some level though, I gotta say I’m proud of our local Tea Partiers -- and I’ll tell you why. They actually had the sense to hold their demonstration near a body of water. That’s always bothered me about the various groups’ prior protesting endeavors. It’s like the others got confused on their way to the river and decided to set up lawn chairs. As far as I can tell there’s still no tea involved, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.

But I must add -- and I think history majors and poli-sci folk will agree: It’s not really like these protesters are being taxed without representation. They have representation. It’s just not the representation they want, because, while they did vote -- and good for them! - they lost.

It’s nitpicky, I know. Sometimes I wish I could be a better sport about this, more sympathetic, maybe, but then I think back to the eight years in which my political sensibilities suffered under the Bush Administration, and I can’t help but delight a bit that the tables have turned.

But don’t worry, Republicans, they’ll turn again. They always do. It’s the way of things. And it’s not like we liberals don’t have our crackpots. Look at Michael Moore! I mean, that’s a crackpot, eh?

And, sure, you want to wave the flag and we want to burn it, but really, deep down, we’re all the same.

You say “Obamacare,” I say “shock and awe.” You say “government control of health care,” I say “infringement on civil liberties.” You say, “Obama is a communist!” and, well, some of us called Bush a fascist, which I honestly think is a little extreme, but whatever. Give any conversation enough time and talk will turn to Hitler. Eventually we all run out of steam. Extremes happen.

But really, Tea Partiers, you should give it a rest. I’m thinking of your health, and you know, if your plan is ultimately successful, it’s not like exhaustion’s going to be covered by your health care plan. I know you have all this energy now, but you have three to seven more years of this. Conserve your crazy, America.

Although, unfortunately, unlike gasoline and the oil reserves, I suspect “crazy” is a renewable resource.

Speaking of which, the effects of the past two weeks of crazy were on full display at the Emmys.

“I’ll keep my speech as short as possible,” said one winner, “in the hopes that it won’t be interrupted by a congressman or a rapper.”

You have to watch out for that these days. Neil Patrick Harris, I think I might take some of that “reality” after all.